Sunday, December 18, 2011

inconsistent jargon and I'm completely F'ed up!

So i find myself ultimately raw at times. Not knowing whom I should be or become.  Sometimes  i just really feel pretty messed up emotionally. sometimes i lack an outlet to share all the crap that I have going on in my life.  I have one friend who has a hard time listening to me because i feel that he doesn't have the patience to hear me.Not being accepted by people who love us.

Recently I have found a few journals i have written stating my emotional state about two months ago and  I can  say that I have truly had a heart and mind change.  but sometimes my past tends to overtake me and take me on a roller coaster that I sometimes I do not understand that I am on.

Been thinking about a past relationship (mostly internet and emotional based)  but this girl Kelly who I could not truly commit myself too because i didn't know myself.  I really didn't know me or what i wanted.  so I sabotaged our friendship and really rejected her.  I mean some of things i have done i feel i have not yet forgiven myself more so because i haven't apologized for my actions I did with her friend Jenna.  I haven't found closure with myself.much less unforgiveness in the fact that i totally screwed it up.  But nonetheless its something I haven't been able to shake.  I don't know what to do about it?  but the Lord has been pressing it more and more in having to deal with it? So i don't know?